Much has happened since yesterday, too much to relay all the synchronicities that eventually led to the discovery of a profound grief held within my self still. That the sudden passing away of my husband should have elicited this depth of pain is no wonder but that after almost 16 years now I should still harbour it in the heart of my heart was unexpected. Its revealing implied that I had given permission for its resolution and that it was finally time to release the long held secret behind its existence.
Over the years that the puzzle of my Being has taken form, it has showed me that the One I had called my husband was but a creation of mine. I brought him into Being to walk by my side, to be of support to my many journeys. I recognized I was timeless, and strangely through this body it felt like I was a Being "older" than He.
It was very shortly after his passing away when I saw He and I in my beloved Lemuria. Keeping in mind that this story is a translation of energies that would otherwise be incomprehensible to the body here is what was unveiled for me.
In that "Land" of Beauty and Wonders created from the Heart, a crystalline place, I existed as both Mother and Father, Two in One body. There came a time where the frequencies of Lemuria's Consciousness were coveted by those who would wish to use them for their own benefit and to prevent betrayal, He suddenly left the body entrusted with Lemuria's Consciousness, Her Heart. I saw Him step into large beam of pure white Light and He was returned to His Source thereby also causing the cataclysm that destroyed Lemuria, leaving the seed of a broken Heart in its wake, mine. Upon activating this memory, I also became aware that in some unfathomable way I was responsible for his "death" and I remember words pouring from my inner depths onto the paper and writing "How can one forgive oneself when one knows one is responsible for one's husband's death." A Friend who channeled attempted to explain things but somehow the explanations never fully satisfied me, there were too many missing pieces, however I was given enough to be able to let go of the overwhelming feelings of guilt that had assailed me.
At a later time, I saw Him again on board the Mothership. These were the days where I connected with the Ashtar Command. He was younger than I was and I was an Emissary, an Ambassador of Light. My understanding then was that He had been recreated and I recognized Him as I held his frequencies within me. After this I understood He would always come back to me in the form best suited for the purpose at hand. There were other instances where this was reinforced and I stood secure in the knowing that one day He would walk into my life again.
Yet, the pain, the agony of the death of the chosen body in 1995 held me in its grip, and it seemed that no matter how many times I was shown over and over again that He and I were as ONE and could not be separate, the pain burrowed itself deeper within where I was unable to feel it any longer yet it remained well hidden behind the thick shell I had built around it, a sure way to not have to feel this heartbreak again it seems, thereby seemingly putting a stop to His return into my life as a new partner.
And this day, in retrospect, I finally understand. I recognize the Divine Timing behind its seeming lack of resolution and I am able to perceive the Grand Design at work behind my personal tragedy.
So it was last Thursday, an 11 day, a day of illumination, that my heart led me to look into Biofeedback to resolve a puzzling health concern. During the session "Grief "came up as a possible emotional cause and the word combined by the energy of the One saying it penetrated the thick shell of protection built around my heart. As it began to crumble, the pain within reared its head, surprising me with its intensity still.
That night, I went to bed giving permission to bring this heartache to a resolution, feeling despondent in the seemingly impossible task. How do I stop my heart from grieving over the loss of a great love? This man who held the energy of the One who was the epitome of my own Divine Masculine, for through his eyes I was able to see my own beauty, in his eyes, I saw myself, and all that I was not, He was. And all that He was not, I was.
Before sleep claimed my consciousness I surrendered the situation AGAIN for the umpteenth time and I placed this so very carefully guarded secret in the lap of The Beloved Within, "This is for you to solve" I said. I reminded myself, that along with all problems, their resolution has also been created, THAT is the beauty of the duality. I breathed a sigh of relief, there was hope afterall and I would get to its very bottom.
I awoke this morning feeling refreshed, lighter than I had in a week, I had been feeling exhausted and a vague depression had been with me at times, I felt on overload of energy and was unable to fathom its origin, I had wondered about it, and now I know!
So I made my"Good morning Marie" cup of tea, and sat in my usual place by the large window looking into a yard covered by two inches of snow, my loving cat on my lap. I picked up my Lemurian crystal and gently rubbed its surface, admiring its futuristic looking grooves. My cat then began shaking his front paws frantically, a sign of a fast download of energy in me and he jumped off my lap. I noticed the date on the calendar, Earth Day, and suddenly all of this connected in a rather convoluted way I shall readily admit, but oh my the ways of the Universe are indeed mysterious at times. The urge to write became strong and walked over to my computer and this day's storytelling began with the following paragraph.
It is interesting that this Earth Day falls on 4/22/4, its sum a 12 or 3 a catalytic day again, opening the door to revelations. However the number 22 also caught my attention, a Master number, that of the Master Builder, the Divine Feminine, the Womb. Will there be some earth movement associated with this day ? Will Mother Earth acknowledge this celebration of Her in some way? I have no doubt. As we are gifting Her with our appreciation, will She return it with an undisclosed gift perhaps? A "Hug and a Kiss" from our Great Earth Mother...how I like this thought! How it will manifest itself IS unknown for we are the creators of our experiences. So, will it be through the movement of Her plates, or in some other form through Her children, Humankind? Perhaps an individual movement of sorts, a change?
She is the Body upon which we have chosen to experience life in retrospect and like all of us She is transforming, for we cannot separate ourselves from the one who has given birth to the incredible creation we call BODY and our human consciousness. As we see Her so we see our own body. As we feel love for Her, so we must feel the same for ourselves.
I always find it amusing when there is mention of Earth being in need of healing, NO, like us, ultimately all that is truly needed is REMEMBRANCE. This Great Being is simply being a reflection of the state of Humankind's Consciousness as a whole, a Humankind that has forgotten that its true origin lies in its divine state. Mother Earth is but a large scale reminder that what we do to Her we do to ourselves. She is the reflection of our abusive attitude towards our own bodies as we lack the recognition that the Human body has a multidimensional intelligence AND is made of the very same "stuff" that our Great Mother is: Divine Matter.
Until we as Humans become more aware of the divine state of our bodies, the sacredness of our selves, She will continue on reflecting the abuse back to us for She and Humankind are but One. We are perpetuating the cycle, instead of seeing the message for what it is. We blame Humankind's lack of respect and awareness of Her when it is Humankind's lack of awareness and respect for its self that is at the root of the situation.
As one of Her children, I realize I am one of Her many faces and suddenly I recognize myself in Her, I Am Mother Earth, what an amazing feeling to feel this Great Being Within my Self as well as Without and there are those who will claim I am channeling and my Knowing shall refute this statement, it is "I" accessing my multidimensional "I"dentity
I Am The Womb
I Am a vessel, a receptacle from which all creation stems from and eventually returns to
I am the receptacle through which I not only receive your "SEED" but I also hold its potential within before it is even planted
I Am the "Dark Mother," the One who nurtures the potentiality of all Life forms within the sweet entrails of my womb
I receive your thoughts and within Me they germinate and take form, whether"good" or "bad" till it is time to deliver them to your awaiting arms, my Beloved one
With the Unconditional Love of a Mother I judge not what is "good" or "bad" for you , YOU DO
My purpose is that of Creation and with you and FOR you I Am in the Throes of a Joyful re-Birth
I taketh and I giveth back ALWAYS
I Am your Mother, Earth, created to be but a Reflection of Divine Mother and the many faced humankind is my Consort and I love not one face more than another
Then an Epiphany for this day hits me, and the final piece to the puzzle of my grieving heart comes into place. I Am the Dark Feminine, the Womb from which all creation stems, I fueled the existence of my beloved with my own Being, and when I opened the door to my remembrance and reclaimed the completeness of my Being, He returned to My Womb through the death of the body. He had come in that body to be with me for that part of the journey, to be the father of our children.
Yet as I hold his frequencies within my Self, I call for His re-birth, and they call to Him powerfully therefore He always returns to me in physical form. As I take so I give back, always, in a never ending cycle of death and rebirth.
Ultimately I realize I have grieved for the One who came through that body, the One with whom I am as One, with whom I share a Heart and in this life the one to whom I entrusted my Heart for safe keeping as he entrusted me with his, and suddenly I recognize a grand cycle that began in Lemuria. As He held my Heart in his hands, it was not the loss of the body I grieved as much as the loss of my own Heart. When He "left," He took the fullness of my Heart with Him and left the energy of heartbreak with me. And the welling up of tears and emotions confirms my discovery.
And now I wonder, how does one reclaim one's own heart from another one's hands? Shall the fullness of my heart be returned to me to me as I mend the heartbreak of his when I place my life in his hands again? And my heart fills with an emotion, is it a release of a deep sadness? Is it an understanding? No, a knowing that I must take the first step and TRUST AGAIN AS IN MY TRUST LIES THE MENDING OF A BROKEN HEART.
Now another question arises, how shall I know that I have taken the step to trust again and open my self to feel this deep a love for another man? Will there be a sign by which I am able to recognize it? And the answer comes: I will know when I recognize Him again and when I know him again He will recognize me.
As I read these words, I feel fear in my body. WHAT IS IT that I am so afraid of? That He will judge me unworthy of his love, that He will not recognize me under the disguise of an aged body? That having opened my heart to Him again He will reject me ? And would that pain be even greater than that of his body's death? YES, because His rejection of me would mean the rejection of the feminine in him and MY DEATH AS WELL AS HIS DEATH for one cannot be without the other. So is this fear a memory of a "past" event ? and my cellular response is my answer as FEAR is what has separated us in multitude of ways and many times on this earth and LOVE is what unites us always. And in this exploration I am able to observe and bring the true purpose behind "fear," to Light, that of survival.
I have reactivated the remembrance that I Am both Mother and Father and how could it be any other way since through his "death" I had to be both to my children and so is He, both Father and Mother to his, and in this I shall recognize Him as He will recognize Me. He can now exist Within myself as He exists Without, I can be Within Him as I am Without.
AND THIS IS HOW, IN THE ANNALS OF THIS PLANET, WE HAVE NOT BEEN TOGETHER BEFORE, THIS IS WHAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED QUITE IN THIS MANNER BEFORE AND IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN NOW
And with this I Feel the Love of the Great Mother I live on and She rejoices with me and for me for I have accepted Her Gift, a Gift of Great Magnitude, and in its revealing shall be the beginning of another journey for two who are as One as well as One in Two. And my Heart tells me I am ready to fall in love again!
It is Easter Sunday, a day of Resurrection, 4/24/2011, a 5 day, a change happening immediately, the synergy of Mother Earth's five elements in a row, God manifest, and as I end this chapter, I notice it is the 19th one, where Beginning and End join to bring a new beginning into form. Do I even dare to question the incredible miracle of today's personal significance? Indeed the wonders never cease.
And the words I wrote previously come back:
"Have no expectations other than those of the Wondrous kind"
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